I am 37 years old and I have been battling the demons of my weight for at least 30 of those years. I was not obese as a child but my first memory of my life revolved around weight...my weight...my grandmother's weight struggles...my mom's weight struggles. I think I've known Weight Watchers since the late 70, maybe since it's inception? I've drank Diet Coke since that time. I've drank skim milk. I know so much about nutrition and water that I could write a book on my own. Yet, I still struggle.
In 2008, I started feeling the calling to "get healthy." I took a new job in hopes of really working on that calling. Ironically, my health went downhill. I have since been diagnosed with a rare disease that causes me daily headaches. One possible help would be to lose weight. I keep setting out to prove the doctors right or wrong but I keep falling back into my own destructive behaviors.
Here lately, I have found myself wondering what to do. Where to go? I have started and stopped so many times that I almost consider myself a failure. This weekend on FB I ran across this sign:
I had a migraine today. I had to take medicine to help get rid of it. Usually I take Benedryl because I refuse to take narcotics but it makes me tired. Well...narcotics do as well but I want Benedryl to help because I see what a dependency on narcotics do and I take "the B" to help over anything else. This was a blatant reminder that I needed to really start focusing on me getting healthy. For me, getting healthy is more than losing weight and getting "skinny." It is possibly getting "me" back! OK...back to today. Then, I get a notification that one of the amazing ladies in my weight loss group wants to start a blog. I love blogging. I love writing. I don't know if anyone reads what I write. I don't know if it even influences anyone, but I get some joy from writing and typing as the case of blogging. I have done some blogging in the past about losing weight but have abandoned it when my hopes of losing weight was gone. I was almost embarrassed by the thought to start "just another" blog about losing weight. So, I had kinda crossed it out of my mind to even start "just another" weight loss blog because of my fear of failure. Then, I went to take a nap. Of course...God love my children and a wonderful day...I didn't fall into a deep sleep because of them going in and out of the house. So, to say this was a true dream, I couldn't say. Maybe it was a vision? I don't know. But I saw myself trying on clothes that I had stored from the time I was under 200 lbs. The pants that my friend Tina had went shopping with me. The dress I wore for Easter the year I had right before getting preggo with Jillian. I was getting pics taken and I was loading them on a blog. I was typing a blog. I started a blog. Then, I saw myself uploading those pics. Then I saw the word "Free."
I have the ability to set myself free! Free from the weight that binds me. Free from the fear the surrounds me. Technically, I'm starting on Tuesday. I didn't weigh this morning but did weigh after my nap. OUCH! It was 228.2! So, here it is. All of me.
This is a pic of Jillian and I taken on Sunday. I have to point out that I have not been "happy" for a long time. I have felt weighted down by more than just my weight.
These are pics taken of me in clothes that I am 'comfortable' in.
This is the Easter dress I wore the year I was under 200. It was uncomfortable. I could get it on but Eric had to help get it off. There is no way that I could sit in it.
I loved this dress when I could wear it. I loved the color, fabric and fit at the time. Today it cut off my arms and it was hard to breath. This dress is one that I want to wear again more than anything!
Size 14 pants that my friend Tina helped me pick out.
Size 16 pants. I can zip but I couldn't breathe.
I think I've "exposed" myself enough for today. LOL I had another pic of me with a size 14 pair of jeans but I don't know if I'm ready to give you that much undie experience. So...I wish I could say that I was entering this with the confidence of a Saint, but I'm not. However, I do have experience in the past that shows me that God does know more than I do. I have to persevere and I know He will help with the rest. I will go more into everything tomorrow and the following days. Here's to Setting Myself Free!!!
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