I'm Gonna Set The World On Fire

For NOTHING is impossible with God. Luke 1: 37

Last blog, I really cried out and poured out my heart to the world. Last night at the book study, I once again came home and said "I can't do this. I can't keep going in there and feeling like I'm the only one making a fool of myself." Eric got mad. He thought I was telling the ladies that I was a manipulator. Then I got mad because it has always been about that with my family...perception. What others thought. Did you talk too much? Reveal too much? Make them talk about you when you left? The book said to go one day without living with other's expectations. Expectations...spectmatations! BLAH! I've always been The Preacher's Kid. Eric's Wife. Hannah/Alex/Jillian's mother. Sister. Whatever the role required...I was the person. The only thing that did 'expect' ANYTHING from me was food. Glorious, yummy food! Having a bad day...food was there. Wanting a retreat...food was there. Didn't ask anything of me. Didn't get mad at me. Didn't expect anything of me. It tasted good. It looked good. It smelled good.

Now, the sad thing would be that you read this and think..."Oh Kristi, this must be an awesome revelation to you. What a break through!" And I would tell you...NOPE! I've known this for a long time. I've journaled about it. I've struggled with it. I've talked about it with counselors and friends and weight loss groups for years. It's no new revelation, but I keep going back to the devil himself. There are times I've cried as I put food into my mouth KNOWING this horrible thing about myself and my relationship with food. But it was so comforting to have that food, whether it was chocolate or that cheeseburger in there melting whatever was bugging me, that the tears didn't last long.

Today is Day 3 of eating healthy. It is also the week before my period. Men just don't get this time before. Usually the week before, I am a mess. I am a mess of emotions and that leads to eating. PLUS, I am tired which leads to eating. PLUS, all chocolate is magnified and needed and wanted and craved which leads to eating. However, a real miracle has happened the last couple of days. I have not craved any foods. I have not craved chocolate at all. It's not because I do not have chocolate in the house. My house is full of chocolate goodies...Girl Scout cookies, candies, ice cream. Plus, I am a big girl with access to money and can go get whatever my hearts desires. I have not craved an overload of sugar in my coffee. I haven't even had coffee for two out of the three days which is a small miracle in and of itself. I have not craved McD's breakfast. I have in the past looonged for their breakfast and sometimes all I can do to think about how I can taste, even "healthily", a breakfast sandwich. I am hungry but I am not craving and that is a big difference. I feel at peace with what I am doing.

Another area which I have managed a little peace is the scales. In the past, if I would go on a big get healthy, lose weight adventure. I would weight myself in the morning and at night. I didn't set myself any "rules" in this area. However, I am not getting hyper vigilant in weighing myself. I did weigh this morning and according to my scales I am down to 226 which is a loss of 4lbs since Monday morning. It doesn't surprise me since most of it is water weight. I did 'revise' my goal for my doctor because of that new number. Originally, I had that I wanted to weigh 220 on the 18th of April (my next appt), but I really wanted to reach for the stars. So the new goal is to weigh 215 by the 18th. Totally doable!

Now to quit crying and being so dramatic at Tuesday night's women's group. LOL Of course, I did tell Eric I secretly think it helps some of the women who don't have time to read and do the 'homework' by watching me be "pruned" every week by God. Who knows? Maybe next Tuesday I'll make popcorn and sit back and watch myself. LOL