I'm Lost

What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ -- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. Philippians 3: 8-9

Today was my first day of eating properly today. There was very little struggle with eating what I should. I was surprised. I thought I would want more and be more upset that I would need to eat more and struggle with the inner conflict that comes every time that I try to become healthy again. This time it feels different.

Of course, I cannot have something "feel" different without contemplating it and analyzing it and wondering what is going on. Always before Day 1s have been "fine" because I have done a lot of planning and anticipating but today just felt different. I have been doing a book study and last week God spoke to me through that book study and told me what He want to chisel from my life and that was my disobedience and using food to replace Him in my life. Yet, today...I still had to think on all of this.

The first picture you saw as me on Easter when I was at my lowest weight. I was probably around 185-190ish. The second picture is NOT my highest weight but is where I tend to hover and that is around the 230 mark. I stayed around the first mark for several years, so I know that I can be that weight and be happy at that weight. It is doable and was not a momentary weight where I just have a few snapshots of me at that "low" weight. As crazy as my life was and there were stresses, my life was 'stable'...just like that weight. Oh sure...I would have loved to be lower, but I was happy.

In mid-October 2004, I found out I was pregnant with my third. I was told after my son that I would probably never have another baby without medical intervention. Here I was pregnant without medical intervention. In late-October 2004, my father was arrested. Those two events threw my life into such a tail spin that life as I knew it was gone. My family as I knew it is no longer. My church family was upset by all that and my own faith in God was shaken to the core.

Until today...as ABSOLUTELY CRAZY AS IT SOUNDS....I didn't realize it. But I was...am...lost. I lost my core identity as a person. Since then, I have not been able to even get close to losing the weight. I have lost my love of teaching. I drift and feel no real connection to the churches I go to. My "AHA" moment came to me today. I. AM. LOST. I had a nuclear meltdown of myself in 2004/2005 and I have been fighting to get myself going again and until today I haven't realized that I was soooo lost. My weight was a barrier to it all. Food was my comforter through it all.

I am afraid to lose weight. I am afraid to get to close to my church family. I am afraid to get to close to my own family again. I am afraid to build it all back up because I just cannot...CANNOT...take another core meltdown like that again! I cannot...CANNOT...take being let down by my family...by my church family...and even feeling like God let me down again. That is what hurt the most...feeling like God let me down.

But it is time to rebuild that core and let God comfort me more than food. What is FEAR? False Expectations About Reality. There are no guarantees in life and I know that. I live with humans. I am a human. However, my food is NOT my God. My food is NOT my comforter. My food is NOT my provider!!! THAT is something I can write with confidence tonight!!